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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for September 1669

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social


To: Regimental Commanders of RFG and CG
From: Guards Brigade HQ
It is with concern that we note the poor performance of our frontier regiments in September.
There may be need to send reinforcements in November. The CO of the Musketeers has already indicated his regiment will not be available for frontier manoeuvres during the autumn. Please let Brig. Leonard de Hofstadt know directly if you believe your men are not yet ready for further campaigning after their excellent summer efforts. Guards Brigade HQ will otherwise assume that the CG and RFG are ready for action in support of our brave frontiersmen!

Aide required for Horse Guards Brigadier: Apply Cuckpowder, QOC Headquarters.
(Actually, that looks quite iffy.)

Seeking a personal Aide and experienced staff for the 2nd Army... Applications in writing please. Your first test, persuade the incumbents to vacate their posts.


To give thanks for the successful return of His Majesty's armies from the front, Sir Alain de Frocked invites the soldiers of France and their ladies of SL 7 and above to join him in Bothwell's in Wk 4 of November. A roast turkey dinner will be served and all drinks paid for.
† Sir ADF

To the party-going socialites of Paris,
To those that came to my month-long party, I hope you enjoyed it. Those that didn't, you missed out on some good drinking and celebrations.
I will be attending the Fleur de Lys throughout November and will accept guests by request, please write to me if you wish to join me.
    Warmest regards,
† General Baron Sebastian de la Crème

[OOC, please contact me if you wish to come along and toady, unlikely to accept anyone more than 6 SLs lower]

QMG Adis II is hosting a bonfire night in the 1st week of November 1669 to which all of Paris Society, regardless of status, is invited. New Congreve Rockets, supplied by the British, will be tested. Afterwards, it is back to his club for hot toddies. Ladies are welcome. No charge will be made, but donations to the Fallen Woman of Montmartre charity, set up by the late Quasi Le Bossu, will be gratefully received.

In celebration of his new position, Field Marshal de Zmerchant invites all those of SL 17 and above to join him at Bothwell's for the second half of November. A more inclusive celebration will take place at the beginning of December.

Trissy and I would love to invite you all to the next meeting of the ARSE Club, which we will be holding at Hunter's in Week 4 of November. It seems like simply ages, sweethearts, that we last held a big party, so that's what it's going to be and we're calling it '7 Naughty November Nights' and we'd love you all to come along!
There's going to be so much fun, lots of games, refreshments, fancy dress and we thought what about if we all come along dressed as men! Oooh, just imagine it: all those tight tunics across muscular chests... ooo-err, makes us flush just thinking about it!
All costs will be paid for attendees, so do come and join us. Remember the ARSE Club is your club and always open to its members.
† Felix & Trissy

Party... Party...
Jacques ZeLad invites all of you lads out there to take part in some serious drinking at his club in week 4 in anticipation of All Hallows ... and to invent some new drinking games!
Bring your ladettes, too. Drinks on me. prize of 10 crowns for best new drinking game proposed.
† JZ

Military Missives

Esteemed Lt Colonel Money,
I fear that I have recently incurred the wrath of Col d'Au of the RFG and shall almost certainly have to leave the regiment under a cloud.
Would it be presumptuous to ask if you would accept my application to join the GDMD, wherein, by good service, I might hope to restore my honour?
† Inigo Montoya - currently Capt. RFG

Capt Montoya,
The GDMD would love to have you. Please attend the mess on Tuesday next at 10 am, where you will be met by my assistant, who will kit you out etc.
    Kind regards, † XM

My most humble thanks
The rank to which I would aspire will depend upon the technicalities surrounding the possibility of retaining my current (extra-regimental) post.
    Yours, † IM


Rumours that Sebastian Adis II has left Paris are true - he spent the last month in Crete reviewing the performance of the French Troops against the Ottomans prior to his appointment as the new Quartermaster-General of the First Army. His mission was so top secret that even Le Roi himself missed it!
QMG Adis II has concluded that the rigid leather French Saddles used by The Horse Guards and Heavy Brigade are not suitable in hot climates. The saddles overheat, causing a nasty rash to the groin region of the rider, requiring nightly unguent to be rubbed into the inflamed areas. At least, this is what the QMG learnt from an interview with The Heavy Brigade Major, Brigadier-General Gauchepied'er, who had to spend many hours applying the creme to his troopers.
Therefore, Quartermaster-General Adis II seeks a new arms supplier for the First Army to address the problem. Nominations to Mansion Angoulême.
[OOC: See Rulebook Page 42 under Investment]

Lord Percy Percy says, as fashion is tending towards the pointless bicker, Jean Jeanie is very fashionable company.

Cher Chopine Camus,
It is usual to wait for a vacancy before applying for a post. I had not intended to vacate the post in the Horse Guards.
† Terence Cuckpowder

General Cuckpowder,
I felt we had established a rapport on campaign, despite our regimental rivalries. I was therefore disappointed you did not renew my tenure as your Brigade Major. I hope you will forgive me being unable to act as your second, particularly as you and I have cause to cross blades this month.
    Yours faithfully,
† Jean Ettonique
Major, Dragoon Guards

My dear boy, of course you may be my Aide. The papers you refer to seem to have been lost in transit, but in any case there is a much more urgent task for you: investigating what it is they put in the Champagne these days that causes headaches. I am sure the Champagne I used to drink as a Subaltern never had that effect: see if you can get hold of some of the old-style before the party next month.
† Field Marshal BdZ

Mon cher Field Marshal de Zmerchant,
I see that you have appointed General Norbert Un to command the First Army. While his past record speaks for itself, I fear that he is not the man he once was. The General has become increasingly forgetful in recent years to an extent that I fear would significantly undermine his ability to command. For this reason, I hope you will not take it amiss should I suggest to him that he might prefer to spend his remaining years on his country estate rather than at the front. I believe this hero of France has earned his rest.
    Your former Aide,
† Baron Beau Reese Jean Seine

Dear Ranso Mware,
I do not know you and hence my servants did not grant you admittance to my little soirée last month. However, I cannot bear to see a man disappointed of glory, of friendships to come or in love. So, if you would like to make my acquaintance at some time in the future, please drop me a line
† Sir (Oooh, I do love the sound of that!) Gaston Le Somme, Colonel Royal Marines

To: Sir Duncan d'Eauneurts, COKM, CPS
From: Guards Brigadier, Sir Leonard de Hofstadt
Many thanks for the invitation to your regimental do, old boy. However, I shall be having a nice quietly-spent month, in preparation for maybe a more active November.
(Plus, y'know, all those thrown gauntlets... a man with my back problems needs only so many of those to pick up in one week.)

Brigadier Sir Duncan d'Eauneurts, OC King's Musketeers, His Majesty's Commissioner of Public Safety and Minister of Justice, to
His Excellency General Earl Pierre le Sang, His Majesty's Minister of State,
Your Excellency,
It has long been common practice for gentlemen to host events at their clubs for one or, on special occasions where important announcements are to be made, two weeks at a time. Indeed, only this month you were kind enough to host an event announcing your intention to seek another term as Minister of State, whilst I hosted a week-long Regimental Dinner for the past and present members of the King's Musketeers.
Of late, however, I have noted a disturbing tendency for certain gentlemen to flaunt their personal wealth by hosting profligate month long events - to the detriment, in my opinion, of the social landscape of the capital as a whole. Although not technically treasonous, such vulgar displays of excess demonstrate a complete disregard for the aspirations of others and a selfish hubris which should, I feel, be neither condoned or tolerated.
With your permission, I will reserve the right to afford such gentlemen a week's contemplation (in the dungeons of the Bastille) in order to give them the opportunity for careful consideration of their future actions.
    Your Most Devoted and Obedient Servant,
† Sir Duncan d'Eauneurts
Commissioner of Public Safety

Other Topics to be discussed at Monsieur Brule's seminars are
* Why do the Cavalry vanish like a Breton mist when there's danger about?
* Cavalry men are bandy legged - and it's nothing to do with riding a horse.
* Why are there so many cavalry horse broken down by age and sex?
† La parapluie rouge

To: Captain Inigo Montoya
From: Colonel Amant d'Au
Captain, I would begin by inviting you to remain in his Majesty's regiment... and in this life. I had not relished the idea of dining on a victory cheese with your seconds.
One can only assume that you will avoid the Rue de la Pute-y-Muse for some time... and not at all within an arpent [sic] of a certain abode. It is good that we understand each other and our natures.

In my quest to find my father's killer, I have been reminded of two significant clues: Firstly, when faced with a duel he prefers to resort to a thrown knife. Secondly, he has six fingers. Strangely, I was talking only recently to a young lady who was bemoaning the lack of attention shown to her by a knife fighter. Then she happened to mention his very unusual gloves...
† Inigo Montoya

Minister of State le Sang is reviewing his weekly security reports from the Commissioner of Public Safety. Amongst the reports regarding the activities of enemy spies and those seriously disaffected with His Majesty's rule, there is a short memo about libellous pamphlets insulting him personally. According to the Commissioner's ferrets, persons calling themselves "The Green Teapot" and "The Purple Umbrella" have been circulating pamphlets attacking him. At the bottom of the memo is a query from the CPS: "Pursue & Identify?"
Le Sang scrawls a response: "Ignore. Focus resources on actual threats", followed by his initials.

Are Messrs de Frocked and Gauchepied'er related in more ways than one? I think we should be told.

Sir, the correspondent who accuses the Cardinal's Guards of buying fresh horses is incorrect. The Cardinal's Guard has been carefully selecting docile unshockable horses.
† L'oeuf anglais

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

The Limeys are a cowardly lot,
Before the Guards they legs it.
And if the Guards let off a shot?
Why, then those Limeys Brexit!
† Beau Reese Jean Seine