Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for January 1678

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, The Play What I Wrote, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

I am shocked to see the senior Captain of the GDMD cannot read a military map, let alone get words of command out to his subordinates. The man is an incompetent idiot and should resign his commission as soon as possible before he gets his valiant troopers killed.

Arent Hayes announces that the annual spring clean of the Field Marshall Offices will commence in January 1678. Please note that this may result in delays in processing any requests or organising ad-hoc appointments, although regular planned meetings with the Field Marshall will be unaffected. We apologise in advance for any inconveniences.

Blatant brown-nosing

Vive Le Roi!
May his radiance shine into the dimly lit streets of Paris and illuminate our fair city.
† Pierre Lapin

Social

I, Ben e'Volence, will be hosting a party in my club for all four weeks of February.
Dress as a season of the year (optional) and bring your good ladies and best of friends.
All are welcome and the cost is mine to bear.

All gentlemen and ladies of Paris are invited to attend my annual chess tournament at my Club week three of February 1676. 1000 crown first prize, 500 crown second prize, 250 crown third prize, refreshments provided for competitors, guests and mistresses. Best of luck, gentlemen!

Gentlemen of Paris,
During week 2, Miss Nifisent and I extend our warmest invitation to you and your ladies for an evening of conviviality at my club. We have arranged for the club's eminent cooks to prepare one of my most cherished childhood delights, poularde au cidre et aux pommes. It would bring us great joy to share a truly memorable meal in the company of dear friends.

I'm in! Though Her Majesty dislikes the very idea of fruit with meat...
† Le Roi

Personal

TTT
'You can run but you cannot hide from justice.'
Do you want me to send the court action to anyone else?

To: The People of Paris
It's time to take to the streets; our government is corrupt and lauded over by that arch-villain Earl Shaw, his strings being pulled by that evil puppet master Cuckpowder, with the two of them protected by the witchcraft of Le Fay.
We can't stay silent, sit back, and do nothing, watching France and Paris fall into the unholy grasp of the terrible trio! Stand with me and my Tangerines, fight back, raise your own troops, rally your regiments, march upon the halls of government and seize them! I can lead you, men: place your trust and faith in me and I shall reward the true patriots amongst you. Thierry Toothpick remembers his friends and those friends will remember his generosity! Posts, money, favours, women they're all to be had and all you need do is send me your pledge, then await the call for action!
Death to Shaw... Death* to Cuckpowder... Death to Le Fay!
† Marquis (should be Count) Thierry Toothpick
TRUE Commissioner of Public Safety
Bvt Brigadier General, His Majesty's Dragoon Guards
* A worse death than the one Shaw will get, and that one will be nasty!

Good Ladies, Nobles and Gentlemen of Paris,
I present myself, a lowly but ambitious young Frenchman in search of a patron to guide me through the difficulties in the glittering social life in this fair city.
I have little to my name save my woollen blue jacket with brass buttons and a good pair of trousers and stout brown shoes but hope to do well to send to my dear Mama and my three sisters at least some funds as my father was savaged to death by a farmer's rabid hound.
I wish you bon chance in the hope that you will take me under your wing.
Yours,
† Pierre Lapin

Gentlemen of Paris,
I trust everyone views with alarm the recent arrest of Sir Botte Le Chimiste - a fine upstanding member of the community - on NO Charges.
I understand that subsequently some very minor issues have been identified in an attempt to hide the gross miscarriage of jurisprudence that the original action indicated. I urge the Minister of State to dismiss the case forthwith.

The Play What I Wrote

Our roving theatrical reporter Monsieur Sy Cophant caught up with Arent Hayes, director, producer and writer of Diable et L'Eau Sombre.
SY: "Oh dear, you've had to close early, what happened?"
AH: "Firstly, I would like to apologise to all the customers in the front 14 rows of the stalls which got thoroughly drenched when the ropes failed and the boat fell into the water from 20", creating a Tsunami. There is no way we can get the seats dry in time, rebuild the ship or shore up the stage, so it's Final Curtains."
SY: "Is Sammy Phipps OK?"
AH: "Not really! He ended up in the Upper Gallery after surfing the big wave on the Ship's Figurehead when it came loose. He has retired to the country to recuperate!"
SY: "Is the end of the career for AH?"
AH: "Yes, I 'm not going through that ever again. Back to the day job at the Field Marshall's Offices. The Archives are full to bursting, with cobwebs running from floor to ceiling, and spiders so large that I will only go in there with my sabre drawn to fend the buggers off. Time for a big clear out."

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

If Botte le Chemist could devise
Something that could make our spies
Harder to detect, or see,
Or make the spies of our enemies
Easier for us to identify,
Then I think that maybe I
Could put a word in his defence,
Despite his scandalous offence
Of peddling worthless useless remedies
For those weighed down by maladies.
† FXC

A soft Parisian dawn adores her grace,
Lois de Lô, the fairest in the city's light-
Her beauty drifts like lace across the Seine,
A quiet wonder blooming in the night.
Even the stars lean low to see her pass,
For none in Paris shine as bright as she.
† Pierre Lapin

"His Majesty's Sword, Her Majesty's Grace"
1 They speak of the King as a man without fear,
Who rides where the shot falls the thickest and near,
No throne-room's soft cushion could tempt him to stay
While his soldiers stand bleeding an ocean away.
    Chorus:
    So here's to a King who leads, not just reigns,
    Whose courage runs hotter than blood in his veins.
    And here's to a Queen whose mere glance lights the room -
    A rose among thorns, and the Court's brightest bloom.
2 They tell me Her Majesty walked through the hall
And silenced the chatter of courtiers all -
Not one word was spoken, not one dared to stir,
For beauty like that leaves the wisest man's blur.
    Chorus
3 So I'll drink to them both from my post in the mud,
One brave as the cannon, one fair as first blood.
A King worth the following, a Queen worth the sigh -
Long may they both reign, and long may I try.
    Chorus
Written still at the Front.
† Bt. Captain Pierre Newkirk, Picardy Musketeers, at the Front

January is cold with icy winds;
Let us seek good company at home
And raise a glass to our shivering friends
Who guard our King's frontiers from harm.
The winter is a silly time to fight;
If only our King's foes would but agree.
Oh Lord, let them but see the light,
The summer is the fighting time for me.
† Major Maurice Danseur of the Dragoon Guards

"The Cardinal's Tailors"
1 Oh the Cardinal's Guard cuts a fine, pretty figure,
All scarlet and gold, with a permanent snigger.
They strut about Paris like peacocks on parade
And swear that it's THEM who won't be outplayed.
    Chorus:
    But a uniform's cloth, and a uniform's thread
    Won't parry a blade aimed square at your head.
    So polish your buttons and comb out your curl
    We'll see how you fare when the steel starts to whirl.
2 Frank X Change talks tall of his rapier arm,
While Hugo goes down like a sack on a farm.
They bicker, they challenge, they swap the same blows -
Three times this month, and still nobody knows.
    Chorus
3 So here's to the Guard, in their finery fine,
May your tailors stay rich and your surgeons stay kind.
For a Musketeer's steel don't care whose coat's red -
We'll leave you as pretty, and just as well-bled.
    Chorus
Written still at the Front, unbothered by fashion.
† Bt. Captain Pierre Newkirk, Picardy Musketeers, at the Front

Tarragon has almost no scent.
Thyme by contrast smells of mint.
Turmeric can be drunk as tea -
I find that is not for me.
Sage can be used medically:
Eat, drink or stuff it as you see.
Vanilla arrives in long thin pods,
Its cost reflects food of the gods.
Lavender, confusingly, is tarragon that is smelly.