Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for October 1676

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, The Play's the Thing, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

The Gascons seek ambitious men for frontier service: No gloves; No powder; No peacocks. Only hard marching, dangerous enemies and opportunities to fill one’s purse. Those wishing to make their fortunes are welcome among the Gascons!

Majors of the King’s armies:
While I am confident all of you would like to serve as Brigade Majors, and would do a fine job in that role, I am also sure that we don’t have enough Brigades for that. As such, I would like to remind you that I am still looking for an aide.
Thank you,
† Marquis General Jacques Hatt

** Aide Required **
I am looking for a competent aide.
Please contact me with your credentials.
† Count Thyme

To all members of the GDMG,
I will be taking the regiment to the Front in November. Anyone wishing to remain in Paris should contact me beforehand.
† (bvt) Bdr-Gen Sir LeChimiste

The senior Captain of the GDMD should resign as I have repeatedly seen him falling off his poor horse due to failure to hold his drink, thus besmirching the honour of the regiment.
† A concerned colleague

Gentlemen of Paris, Soldiers of France, Heroes of the Fatherland!
The burden has been placed upon me (as Adjutant General) of moulding the senior leadership of our great army for the forthcoming trial of arms.
I therefore call upon all of you of sufficient military rank, ability and (may I say) generosity to apply for the opportunity – indeed for the honour – to serve as DIVISIONAL COMMANDERS in His Majesty’s Army.
(Oh, and I also need an Aide.)
RSVP,
† Lt-Gen Hugo Furst Adj. Gen.

** Join the QOC **
Gentleman of Paris, if you are new to the city or are looking for a new Regiment, then you can do no better than join the Queen’s Own Carabiniers.
Please contact me for more details, and some financial help is available.
† Count Thyme

Social

I find the predictable monotony of my current social calendar needs some variety. If your soul, like mine, recoils at the prospect of yet another unimaginative evening of getting plastered on common wine until the senses are entirely numbed, then I offer you a remedy.
During week two, I plan to avail myself of the pleasures of the new coffee shop and contemplate the “Plurality of Worlds”. We shall indulge in a pot of their finest brew to sharpen our wits and thus initiate an exchange of ideas before retiring to my club, where I will provide sufficient glasses of excellent eau-de-vie to enable us to address the question: “Are we alone beneath the heavens, or has the Almighty populated the spheres of Mars and Venus with rational souls of their own?”
Ladies are most welcome to join the discussion, or, if they prefer, play some rounds of whist.
I will cover the cost of refreshments for all who attend.
Bring your sharpest logic and your finest heresies.
This does not apply to Officers of the Royal Marines, who seem to struggle with the decorum needed for such polite discussions and seem to insist on jumping upon young Arquebusiers.
† Marquis Louis Renault

The social scene seems a little empty this autumn, so I shall be hosting a soiree for the better sort of gentlemen about Paris [SL 13+] in Week 3 of November.
† ZvT

I will be hosting and funding a month-long party at the Fleur de Lys. All welcome. No theme, no fancy dress, just the good people of Paris… regardless of social standing… enjoy the finest fare the city can offer. Come for a week, stay for two or commit the whole month. Bring your dear lady or come alone. The choice is yours.

***** Party November Week 1 ******
Gentlemen of Paris,
Please bring your ladies to a party at my club in November Week 1, where we will drink a tribute to that noble gentleman Guido Fawkes, who sadly failed in his attempt to overthrow the English throne.
† Lt Colonel Con Stantinople
(Open to own and friendly regiments. Social levels 10 and above. Costs paid.)
**********************************

Gentlemen of Paris (SL 8+ and members of CPC)
In week 1 of November, I invite you and your ladies to my club to celebrate the French Victory at the Battle of Blanquefort 1450, so all costs covered – please dress in medieval garb. 50-crown prize to best dressed couple.
Kind regards,
† Sir François de Blanchefort

Military Missives

Achille D’Orbigny
I am happy to accept you into the Crown Prince’s Cuirassiers.
Please note there are vacancies at captain at present if your funds and status permit.
Kind Regards,

Personal

I would like to thank Earl Rick Shaw for my appointment as CPS.
I am honoured and flattered to be appointment.
If you are a God fearing, law abiding loyal subject to our dear King. You have nothing to fear.
Otherwise I will hunt you down like dogs and make you suffer.
I am looking for those wishing to assist me and pay reasonable rates.
Applications open for Ferrets.
† CDN

To: His Royal Majesty, King Pevans
Sire,
It’s terrible, that blackguard and Cuckpowder ally Shaw, yes, him, the louse that you were deceived into appointing as Minister of State, well he’s denying me my rightful post as Commissioner of Public Safety AND refusing to speak out against Cuckpowder’s continued challenges upon my person.
Something simply must be done; in fact, I already have a plan! All you need do is sign a couple of death warrants for the pair of them, revoke Shaw’s appointment as MoS and block Cuckpowder from every office in the realm and then declare me as joint Minister of State and Commissioner of Public Safety. Do this for me and you can rest assured I’ll look after your interests, sire; anyone you want brought before the Court for the old ‘Chop-Chop’, you just let me know and I’ll have them picked up by my Tangerine lads.
One last thing, I really feel that I ought to be elevated to something better than a simple Baron. To be honest, Count Toothpick sounds so much better and it’ll save a load of paperwork if I’m made up straight to that without having to go through the other titles first. I’ve got a new robe already sorted out and some fancy shoes ready!
Loyal regards,
† Baron (needs to be Count) Thierry Toothpick

Louis unfolded the bill and read it aloud: “Barrels of claret, feuillette of cider, barrel of beer, replacement of glassware and china, window repairs?” As memories of the party returned, he chuckled to himself. That boot of the young subaltern of the 69th did a magnificent job of doubling over Colonel Dupree, which is no doubt why the two Marines chose to evict him via the window. A plucky young lad, mind you. Fortunately, only his jacket and ego suffered a little. His recollections of the party were interrupted by his valet announcing the arrival of his mistress, Maggie.
    “I wasn’t expecting you this morning – marvellous party the other night. Just received the bill,” said Louis, holding it up.
    “No doubt. But I came for a reason. Father had one of his old cronies round last night, a retired Colonel. You were quite the topic – you and these three.” Maggie retrieved a note from her purse and read out three names.
Louis frowned. “I don’t recognise them. I haven’t appointed anyone yet.” He rifled through his papers. “I have the applicants here – Camille de Polignac, Charles PiedLuminaire, Botte Le Chimiste… and your fellows are not among them.”
    “The Ministry of War appears more efficient than you. They’re already appointed.”
    “Mmm. That doesn’t sound good.”
    “According to the Colonel, one has got no nearer the front line than the rear of the baggage train, one is an infantry chap who doesn’t know a thing about horses, and the last is a fine cavalry officer but spends his days in The Horse Guards reminiscing about his famous cavalry charge to anyone who will buy him a drink. According to Father, the Inspector General should resign.”
    “Or replace them with more reliable brigadiers?”
    “Certainly,” answered Maggie as she kissed him goodbye.
Louis sat at the table with parchment and ink and began to write. ‘Dear Brigadier…’

Suffering from your old duelling injuries?
Feeling uncomfortable after that long cavalry charge?
Fear no more, Botte Le Chimiste is pleased to announce that his patented “Tincture of Opium” is back in stock, only 10Cr per bottle.
Guaranteed to relieve stress, aches and pains.
Also available in half-bottles for the small of stature.

M. Pierre Newkirk, a young gentleman newly arrived in Paris and eager to improve himself, seeks the acquaintance and patronage of his betters. He would be honoured to accompany any gentleman of quality to his club, and promises flattery of the most sincere and enthusiastic kind. Interested parties may reach him through this journal.

To Major L’iability
Dear Frank,
I cannot help but notice that the last 3 months have impacted on your health – your hearing and nerves have been literally shot to pieces. Time to take a break and reflect on a stellar career within the CPC.
† Arent

Dear Maurice Danseur,
Congratulations on writing such a long letter all by yourself, or did you have help from Mummy?
I find it preposterous* that you think yourself worthy of speaking on behalf of the Royal Foot Guards, the King’s Musketeers, and the Cardinal’s Guard. If any of those fine regiments have an issue with what I have said, then they can come and speak with me directly. As to yourself, I am more than happy to meet you at dawn, please ensure that Mummy gets you up in time.
Yours,
† Count Thyme, Colonel of Queen’s Own Carabiniers
* just in case this is too big a word for you, it means something completely unreasonable, ridiculous, or contrary to common sense.

How rude!† Le Roi

Arent Hayes greeted Sammy Phipps with a bow.
    “We made it,” he says.
Sammy replied, “You did well. Time to forget the horrors of war and focus on with the next phase of your work supporting the Field Marshal.”
    “Yes, though I cannot help but worry that the DOMINION continue to rise. The Norseman Du Nord was given a key role – I wonder why?”
    “He is cleverer than I thought. Watch him. But focus on your new role.”
    “Noted.”

To: Earl Claude de Nord, Interim CPS (serving upon my behalf)
Well done, de Nord, in duping that imbecile Shaw into appointing you to the post. That was always going to be our Plan B and merely a ‘holding tactic’ until I can get the King to see sense and make me joint MoS/CPS.
Now, what you need to remember is, make sure you get warrants drawn up for both Cuckpowder, Shaw and that dreadful Le Fay woman as a matter of urgency. We can work out who to serve the other two upon later. If you appoint a couple of my lads as Ferrets then they’ll ensure all 3 of those villains are arrested post haste and thrown into the Bastille where they belong, before then being dragged before the Court to be sentenced and executed.
I’ll be leading the Dragoon Guards out here at the Front for another month but then back in Paris whereupon I can resume the Commissioner role and get justice back on track. You’ll be rewarded, of course, remember: Thierry Toothpick looks after those who serve loyally.
† Baron (needs to be Count) Thierry Toothpick
PS How in the blazes did you get made an Earl?! I should be one of those, then a Count!

The Play What I Wrote

Synopsis: Boy comes home one day to find his parents dead from the plague. Goes to live with his uncle, a retired musketeer. Uncle has no children of his own, so at a loose end as to how to amuse the boy. Teaches him how to fight with a sword. When the boy is eighteen his uncle is dying of old age. His deathbed instructions are to go to Paris and join the regiment. He hands him a letter of introduction. Second half of play is the young man’s adventures in Paris: spurned by the recruiting officer, fighting off the tangerine menace and finally finding his place in the… Watch the play to discover which regiment he joins! The play is called D’Artagnan and is by Rick Shaw.

Oo, is it the Gascons? Is it? Please let it be the Gascons…
† Le Roi

PANDAEMONIUM, or A PLAGUE OF LAWYERS: A Comedy in Five Acts by Elroi le Flingue
Setting: the Roman Forum, during the reign of Emperor Trajan.
A fast-talking stranger dressed in an orange toga appears in Rome, promising to solve all the problems of the Empire’s citizens by deploying battalions of lawyers. A series of increasingly farcical trials are held, accusing prominent Roman figures of such crimes as “breathing in an offensive manner” or “defeating the emperor’s enemies in a suspicious way.” At last, the stranger, known only as “The Litigant”, presumes to lay a lawsuit against Emperor Trajan himself, on the charge of “failing to provide properly for lawyers.” In the final act, the Emperor publicly castigates the Litigant and announces a bounty on the head of any lawyers remaining in Rome by sundown. Hilarity ensues.

I’m laughing already. † Le Roi

A new play by Arent Hayes, Le Diable et l’eau sombre* – “A rollicking tale of devils, lepers and witchfinders
Synopsis:
It is 1634 and the world’s greatest Detective, Samuel Phipps, is being transported to Paris for a crime, he may or may not have committed. But, no sooner has he set out to sea, than the devil rises and threatens the voyage. Strange symbols blight the ship. Livestock is slaughtered. Ominous whispers are heard. Murder is committed. Can Sammy solve the mystery from his prison cell before the ship descends into anarchy?
[* any similarity to the novel “The Devil and the Dark Water” by Stuart Turton is purely deliberate.]

No, no: stay in the cell, Sammy!
† Le Roi

“M. Forgeron va à Paris” by Felipe Savant
A tale of an idealistic and naive young Minister who goes to work in the royal court and faces the challenges of a corrupt system that is subverting the honour of France and the will of the King for their own gains.

I’m shocked already. † Le Roi

It is with great pleasure that I am able to announce a new investment opportunity for the cultural elite of Paris. I am soon to canvas backers for the production of a play, (written by myself), this will be a bawdy comedy with the tentative title of “continuez à vous bécoter”.
I will be spending all month polishing my play to ensure it shines brighter than the rather dowdy offerings of the current season.
Obviously I cannot guarantee that you will make money on your investment, but I can promise that you will be supporting the Art and Culture of Paris.
I will present a brief synopsis of the play for you to decide if you wish to invest.
Carry on Canoodling “continuez à vous bécoter” gives a new meaning to “Bed and Bawd”!
The Importance of being Ernest
Plot:
Major Ernest Mainweather of the King’s Own Dragoons is happily married and successful. But he has a secret: Ernest has an identical twin brother, Thomas, the black sheep of the family. Thomas is also in the armed forces, but as a lowly private. Both are currently at the front. Ernest is unhorsed and his brother finds his body. Believing Ernest to be dead, Thomas conceives the plan of hijacking Ernest’s life. And quickly changes clothes with him, and returns to Paris as Ernest Mainweather. Ernest’s wife at first suspects nothing, but is pleased by “Ernest’s” renewed attentiveness. However, back at the front Ernest did not die. He was rescued and nursed back to health by a young, widowed, farmer’s wife. Returning to Paris he confronts his brother and challenges him to a duel. Ernest is by far the superior fencer, but allows his brother to score a hit on his face that will leave a noticeable scar, Soon after this he performs a superb double disengagement attack, disarming his brother and, while holding the point of his rapier at his brother’s throat, he announces that he yields, surrendering the field to his brother. He then walks away, returning to the farmer’s widow remarking that “at least nobody will confuse the two of us now!”

Umm, I’m confused. † Le Roi

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

Ode to Love
Love is dead!
The poet has said.
She who looks like an Angel,
Oft times will be the Devil
In disguise!
So I turn from Love
And seek to prove
A more manly virtue on the field of Mars.
May honour be served and
Victory arise!
† HdB

1 Love is fickle, love is fleeting,
Love will hurt you in the end
Why do we willingly take a beating?
To enter the lists of Love?
2 Because the maids of France are fair
We do but see them to fall in love
If we are spurned – then should we care?
No! Next time we are sure to win!
† Maurice Danseur, ever optimist in love.

Marc-Antoine’s Lament
1 I came to Paris freshly dressed,
With polish on my boot and breast;
Yet scarcely had I crossed the square,
Four gentlemen were waiting there.
2 First came that cursed cuirassier,
Of Leopold’s most hated sphere;
An enemy by coat and name,
So naturally we crossed in flame.
3 Then two proud common fellows rose,
With muddy blood and lofty nose;
And I, a knight’s true son—almost—
Could hardly let such creatures boast.
4 But worst of all, by candlelight,
Upon fair Agnes’ step one night,
I met, to my profound despair,
My own Lieutenant-General there.
5 Yet though I rue each rash affair,
I shall not yield to steel or stare;
Next month I’ll seek less blood, more sense—
And keep from Agnes’ residence.
† Marc-Antoine Descartes